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Friday, November 30, 2007
Steve (11/30/2007 2:54:50 AM): you're VERY important to me K L (11/30/2007 2:55:07 AM): That's nice to hear Steve (11/30/2007 2:55:04 AM): youre the only thing in my life that im truly proud of Steve (11/30/2007 2:55:19 AM): and you make me VERY happy K L (11/30/2007 2:55:54 AM): You should be more proud of yourself. You're a wonderful guy Steve (11/30/2007 2:56:11 AM): well, i dont really think i am, but youre starting to help me see it Steve (11/30/2007 2:56:19 AM): you bring out the best in me kasey K L (11/30/2007 2:56:40 AM): First time for everything Steve (11/30/2007 2:56:41 AM): smartass to the end
# ranting @
12:51 AM
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Tuesday, November 27, 2007
All day I've been deep in thoughts, mainly because I had no sleep last night and it's been rainy all day. My problem in the last relationship was that I held Nick out at arms length, I mean he was NO saint...but I'm far from perfect. I never truly let him inside my head. I didn't trust him enough to understand, because I wanted to be everything he wanted me to be. I felt like he didn't even know me after a year with him, like I was a stranger and he knew it. I can't help but feel as if I tore us apart, but I know he helped a lot of the time. He was pretentious and arrogant, he never really listened to me, and after a while the connection was faded and we completely lost touch. This time, with Steve I want it to be different. the problem is..I don't know how. I've been trying by speaking what was on my mind and telling him how I actually felt..instead of what he wanted to hear. I'll figure the rest out as I go, I guess. in other news, I'm getting a new baby December 1st. and by "baby" I mean a cute fuzzy kitty, at the animal shelter's "adopt a pet" function. I need a new pet, someone who isn't 16 years old and is nearly blind/deaf. I love speckles, but she doesn't have much longer...besides she could use a friend.
# ranting @
12:07 AM
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Monday, November 26, 2007
My friend, Jen and I were pretty drunk and she and I wrote the word "Penis" over 100 times in different ways on a piece of paper. lol I know we're very dumb, and we're OK with this. the inside jokeAdd to My Profile | More Videos
# ranting @
9:55 PM
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K L: I'm trying to let you in, step by step. Steve: take your time Steve: theres no rush Steve: i have a whole lifetime to get to know you K L: lol Steve: and im looking forward to all of it
# ranting @
1:17 AM
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Tuesday, November 20, 2007
“I start to feel like I can’t maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don’t know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?... I don’t know the answer, I know only that I can’t. I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am so tired. I am twenty and I am already exhausted.”
# ranting @
6:38 PM
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Monday, November 19, 2007
My head feels like there's a tornado stalking the corners and I'm screaming for peace. Everything is falling apart, and I'm clueless as to what I should do. My house that I rent is being sold, I'm having issues with Nick, and I'm starting to question Steve and my relationship, My brother had a mild heart attack..and Work is getting rough. I feel bad for whining, but if I don't rant..I'll break. I don't want to bitch and ask "Why me" and wallow in self pity, but it seems a little all too much to handle by myself. I have no real friends here, since I just moved and I'm all alone in the house. I feel just "vacant" like there's something missing and begging to be replaced. This would all be easier if I had a friend.
# ranting @
11:13 PM
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I fucking love Cam! 
# ranting @
8:09 PM
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Why can't you just hate me? make it so much easier, just tell me that I'm a horrible person and break me in pieces. I NEED IT. I feel terrible doing this to you, staring at your face and remembering everything you've done for me. I dreamed of you, and begged any god to help me get a decent guy...someone who loved me truly...I promised i wouldn't screw it up. but I did I'm so sorry. God, I hate it when you're right.. I'll never be happy, until I find myself..I cause my own misery and misfortune. Nick, I ruined everything.
# ranting @
3:45 PM
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Saturday, November 17, 2007
I'm back in one piece. :) The trip was totally bizare and awesome at the same time. The whole week was a blur, honestly. I guess because most of the time I was intoxicated by alcohol or amazing sex. My family of course, loved him. My brothers, sister, nephews and niece all thought he was a nice guy. lol. We spent most of our time in the motel and around town. He was amazing, I really care for him. There were those moments where, he looked at me..and all this emotion was written all over his face. It took my breath away sometimes. He just stared at me, and I watched him in the corner of my eye for like a minute. He started talking about spending his life with me, kids and all. I kind of mentioned for him to slow down on that train of thought. lol. I mean, I'm not sure I even wanna be married... I don't know. The trip put him in a new light for me, certain aspects showed a lot more than before. I just hope I'm not blindly walking off a cliff. or maybe I just don't care
# ranting @
9:03 PM
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Thursday, November 08, 2007
I'll be gone 1 week starting tomorrow, and I'm really excited. I'm going home AND I get to see steve. details when I come back! :)
# ranting @
6:37 PM
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Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Things are not working as planned. Money is tight and my bank WON'T cash a check that will give me what I need to go to VA. I was really depressed yesterday, there was no hope of seeing Steve, because...we can't stay in my sister's house (Too many animals, he's allergic) We most def. can't stay in my Christian brother's house (They frown on wild loud sex..and I have no money for a motel room. Well, I talked to him online to see if there was a way we could do this on the 15th instead of the 9th, because that's when the check will be valid. He said no, but he was shocked that i didn't ask him to help. Steve: why dont u just let me handle this Steve: i have the money to pay for that stuff Steve: and im not about to let money get in the way of not seeing you zero_doll999: I feel reallllly bad, though. zero_doll999: I don't want to ask for a hand out Steve: youre not Steve: dammit Steve: im going to come see u so youre going to just deal with it zero_doll999: *sigh* I'm weak......fine..you win zero_doll999: I'll let you get the hotel room Steve: i love you kasey and i want to be with u I have other details to work out, but that made me very happy to hear. it's nice for someone to think about me and to actually try and help me out. I'm not used to this yet.
# ranting @
11:30 AM
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Saturday, November 03, 2007
 Steve and I. I look dreadful, but I also have a big hangover.
# ranting @
8:49 PM
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Friday, November 02, 2007
I'm more pathetic than I ever thought possible. I'm 22 years old, these are the best years of my life...and you know what I spent my Friday night doing? I read my graphic novels and played Zelda on my DS. I need a room mate, someone to have around. I hate being lonely.
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