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Monday, February 15, 2010
I'm really tired tonight, Ben is being kind of fussy today. He's teething like crazy this week. This past weekend was kind of stressful... hell these past 6 months have been chaotic. I'm starting to think if I don't obtain a hobby outside the home, I'll go effing crazy. I was actually thinking about boxing. Kind of an intense choice, but trust me...I need to get out some frustration and rage. It will be great exercise and much needed after the holidays. Most of the time if I'm not cleaning or taking care of Ben I just play video games. I don't like sitting on my ass all the time...but trying to go outside and run in 10 inches of snow isnt ideal. I miss the south for that reason...no stupid endless snow. I think I'm going to see if Ben fell asleep yet..So I can.
# ranting @
7:58 PM
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Saturday, February 13, 2010
It has been a long time...over a year maybe 2... So much has changed and developed in these 2 years. Steve and I got married, Had a beautiful baby boy and we're pretty much living the family life. I have to say that I'm shocked to have had marry my crush of 5 years, but I did it :) Even after all the stuff we have been through and the countless times he pushed me away.. I knew it was a front caused by years of a broken hearts. (I told you he would be mine one day) I decided that its time to bring this blog back. I need someone (other than my husband) to talk to.. this blog is the story of my life and its going to be a great outlet when I need something to do. My life as of now is pretty stagnant. not that it's a bad thing, Being a mom and a wife is a little more difficult than I had imagined. It brings a lot of trials that most people never think about when they jump into a relationship. I had Benjamin (my son) in august 09 and since then I've just been learning as I go. with my mother being deceased and any female figure in my family being less than sane..I dont have any real women to talk to on what I should or shouldnt be doing. It's just a guess and go game with him. My husband tries to do his best as well...He really is an amazing father (by my surprise) He helps me with everything he can. I guess I just miss the days when I was out protesting and living for a purpose. All the volunteer work that I gave and all the time I spent working on my career in Social working/ Non-profit agencies is pretty much gone to waste. I worked so hard to make a difference, and I truly believed that I was going to change the world. but then life got in the way. I'm not saying that I regret my son or my husband. They are the family that I never had, the love that I've never experienced. I just hope that not all my work has gone in vain...maybe soon I can start once again when Ben is a little older. Just have to press pause and hope for the best.
# ranting @
9:45 PM
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Wednesday, October 15, 2008
This, my dear is your present. I'm letting you see it all. This is me giving you everything I have, letting you inside my head and showing you my observant yet fucked up little world. WARNING: Remember, these thoughts CAN NOT be used against me in any way. You can't throw anything in my face or get mad. You wanted everything and that's what I'm giving you.. Kasey: uncensored. I love you, boo face. always have :)
# ranting @
1:49 PM
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Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Steve is the best thing that has ever happened to me (besides...you know..being born) I know a lot of people say they would die without their significant other and for some it could be true. However, I wouldn't die..I would just be half a person. Like I'm walking around without my right side attached. He's my best friend, he's had my back for four years, and even though we've had a few rough spots in our friendship...he's never disappointed me..He's always came back. I love him so very much.
# ranting @
3:18 PM
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Saturday, September 27, 2008
My whole teenage existence and on up (after my mother passed away) I've always had the same dream about her.. The dream usually was pretty simple: She wasn't dead and never died and the tone of the dream went either two ways: I was happy that she was alive or sometimes VERY angry that she lied to me. Obviously whatever emotion I was feeling took the dream to a different level. My self diagnosis is simple, repressed emotion toward my mothers death. But last night it went to a whole new level! I had the dream of her being alive, But my family was involved. I also screamed at her, asked her how could she have lied to me and left me to raise myself, my brother and take care of my father. I was going into detail about John and how alone and broken down I felt. My brothers and sisters were trying to protect her, but I kept yelling and throwing things. My unconscious mind was very upset last night, apparently. There's a definite amount of resentment in the dream, a little PTSD, and the outburst is more signs of repressed emotions. Man, it was just crazy..I woke up in a sweat andm y heart racing. It's NEVER been that intense or depressing.
# ranting @
10:14 AM
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Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Jen is my roommate's sister and Steve's old "hook up". She's dramatic, whiny and I hate the sound of her voice...it's completely ANNOYING. She's also pretty much lied about me and other stupid shit. I can't stand her, and I hate the fact that Steve doesn't respect my wishes. I mean do I parade Nick around the house?? and it is the same damn thing too! He doesn't like Nick! I need to get out of here, I need a vacation away from Steve and this apartment. Seriously, I just need a real friend. Since Nick has started to date again, he doesn't talk to me...My other friends live in different states and I'm trying to be optimistic but I'm just sick of being around Steve 24/7. I love him, and I'm glad I'm living here with him...but Damn he can be annoying and argumentative! Not bad though, just sometimes... I just want a friend. is that sad?
# ranting @
3:02 PM
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Friday, August 22, 2008
As a human and a carrier of a vagina ;) I hate more than anything to admit that I'm wrong. Especially once I've "talked a big game" of being all strong and independent without certain someone. It's not really me admitting I'm wrong as it is me admitting I miss him. I do miss nick a lot. I really want to write him an apology letter or something..I just want to tell him how important he was to me, and how I miss/cherish his friendship. But as of two months ago, I let him have his space... It's only fair to let him begin his new life without me. but that doesn't mean it SUCKS ANY LESS. I don't even have the heart to refer to him as my EX. I use terms like "My friend" Or "old roommate". He's definitely more than my "ex" he used to be my best friend my confidant, the guy who did the "butt dance" to cheer me up, or make really dumb absurd comments so I could give him the "Are you high?" look. WE have been through so much and he's helped me grow up a lot. He has no idea how much he has affected me as a person...no matter how mad or upset I am at him..I just can't turn my back, I don't have it in me to throw all those memories and private moments away.
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